If you’re reading this, and you happen to be an adult person with functioning genitalia and a significant other, you probably get this question a lot:
So, when are you going to have kids?
Or, if you happen to already have a child, I bet you hear this one all the time:
So, when you are going to have more kids?
Why do people not realize how weird these questions are? They’re incredibly invasive, and they can be difficult to answer. Maybe you don’t want kids, maybe you’re trying unsuccessfully to have kids, maybe you’re legally required to stay 100 feet from kids… Whatever your deal is, I’ve come up with some suggested comebacks for when someone gets a little too personal.
For people who ask when you're going to have kids:
- We're waiting until we can afford a baby that's been specially designed to our exact specifications.
- We want to enjoy being married first, so we're going to wait two or three decades.
- I need to see how the presidential election plays out before I decide whether this is a world I want to raise kids in.
- Haven't you ever seen Rosemary's Baby?
- My partner and I are afraid our genes are too good, and our offspring would dominate and eventually wipe out the rest of the human race.
- Oh, wow, I didn't know you were that interested in human reproduction. I'll snag you some pamphlets next time I'm at the gynecologist.
- Hang on, let me pull up my period tracking app and my copy of "Taking Charge of Your Fertility." You have a couple hours, right?
For people who ask when you're going to have more kids:
- Why, do you need one?
- Why, are you selling one?
- Why, are you offering financial aid?
- We're still deciding whether to keep the first one.
- We're going to be super careful not to break this one, so we probably won't need a back up.
- Have you seen how gorgeous my first child is? I don't think it would be fair to the rest of the world to make any more.
- I keep misplacing the one I have, so I definitely don't think I could keep track of another.
And these responses are appropriate for either question:
- Ew! I know that's your roundabout way of asking me about my sex life, perv!
- That is a pretty personal question. Let's talk about literally anything else.
I hope you don't need to use any of these, but if you do, I hope they help shut down your interrogator. Feel free to leave your own snarky comebacks in the comment section.